What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 03:53
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My family never makes their pension either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
How short is too short for a skirt?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
How did you become popular in school?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
All the time i was locked up.
What kind of person does a narcissist hate?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She wouldn,t have been !
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I don,t even have a pension.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She loved him until the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When she asked me how she looked .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
I will be 64.
He knew the spot.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im still living with it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I have no regrets .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
This is soul school!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was 9 years of age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ive learnt so much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was very sick at this time too.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it wasn’t much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was seconnd youngest,
I waited trembling.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So whats the point in blame.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot live in the past .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i lived it daily.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I said to her
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She found it foreign!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Especially a lifetime of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were not on the streets..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
(And it was in our own minds.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was in good health!
I was scared of men, in general
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.